Sometimes you love someone so deeply you don't even realize when the fuck did you end up losing yourself.
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Hello bloggers I know its been a while <3 haven't had the time to write poetry.


But I have missed this little get away from reality where my fingers do the speaking where all the Emotions that are held so tight confined in this small frame of mine are finally let out. Becoming free of the bars I have built deep inside. Sometimes I think about people and how they change no let me rephrase that NOT change cause I don't believe people change they just grow. The only things that change are the people you meet, the books you read, and the panties and boxers u wear. Done a lot of evaluating on the girl I used to be and where I have come to now, and Honestly, I miss the little girl I used to be. I bet if u looked back and recalled on the way u went about certain situations, or even expressed ur feelings they we'rent no where near the way they are done now. I really miss her, it was a hard goodbye, and letting her go withheld a real strong heartbreak, but I love the woman I've become today. I've made many mistakes, have broken hearts, have talked badly of another, have lied, have said I didn't feel a way when I felt another. But those are MY mistakes and my past And MINE to keep. And there are No regrets! I do believe it is okay to make mistakes as long as you learn from them and honey I think I passed those classes with flying colors A+ across the board. I know this because I sleep at night with a peace of mind :) now think about your life and count your blessings, remember all your mistakes, regrets.. Have you learned your lesson? Or are you still in detention with holding the same old bullshit? Complaining and crying but u keep taking the same classes over and over again . Funny shit is they don't mind failing religiously oblivious to the fact we trying to aim to be on honor roll
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Love .... ??

The concept of these words are so easy to say, these four letter are thrown around so freely I think we all forgot or maybe just never knew what the context of the content really meant in the first place?

hmm ..

let me recap on when i thought it was felt or it was real or maybe shit was all in my head and i imagined it to be something that it really wasn't. Sometimes i feel like the relationships were really experienced in my head and nothing more.

fourteen fresh meat into my teen years I thought i was on top of the world little badass you asked no questions cause i provided no answers. daddy said you ain't going out hit 10 o clock there he was waiting for me in his little red car. We was a hot little thing, I thought i had the baddest nigga around and he was only sixteen. My parents didn't like him and it made it more HOT. His family didn't like me cause they thought id make him go crazy, but who cares he's the one with me and obviously they NOT. so those were the last of our worries, we said fuck it to everything else that didn't concern US. A year unfolded I lost my virginity, another year went by we was on some ride or die type shit. Suicidal type i had to sit in the emergency room because of a stunt he pulled trying to prove to me his love. One eye for an eye on some crazy knock on your door like I was a part of the swat team about to raid his house only difference was it wasn't for drugs it was to see if your love was real enough to be faithful to me, but the bitches kept coming dodging statements like "I'm a part of his life boo" had me hurting more then a bullet aimed straight to my heart. Yet again here comes love to the rescue saving your ass more then a sinner who sins religiously and god still welcomes him into his house too. I'll admit i was a bitch and I'm sorry for that, always been a spoiled brat if it wasn't my way then mother fucker i was out on my own and you hated the fact that i've always been independent . so you let me have it my way over and over again till the fights just began. Then There came many breaks up but with you & I we couldn't wait for the make ups. if i was happy that was all that mattered and BOOM here comes the part where the tables start turning. I tell you one day its over you start to cry I say " why you crying honey wipe your eyes its over I'm done I don't want you no more" a couple mean shit were said like "I don't love you no more wish i would have never lost my virginity to you" but I guess he failed to realize i was just mad and there they go emotions controlling the things that come out your mouth. So you left to new york, but I wasn't surprised running away from your problems was always a habit for you . Then there was the "cousin" you know the one they say they grew up with, they cool with the family got them living with them and shit. Got pictures on his page reading "wifey" got me confused. I thought you was always too cool for myspace, and there comes the family trying to back up his story, so i believed it when shit was obvious but obviously I wasn't watching shit. Then there was the feeling you know a woman gets when you know something about to happen that hasn't even happened yet or even thought about on the other end to start acting on it. I always knew he would get another girl pregnant, and i would tell him that. Now hes the ultimate badass now my tears don't mean shit to him. Start disrespecting me in ways I'm like "wtf ! where did this new man come from?" so now I'm tired of begging I mean yeah I love him but shit we all got some type of dignity. So here comes the walls start building up again. Then I get a aim a month or two later and it reads something like " I wanna get back to the way things used to be, I wanna love you and no one else please take me back I promise to never abuse our love and love you unconditionally" and then again another chance given, but this time it was different. This time something went wrong. Three weeks later and nothing no calls. No text, no aim, no emails straight NADA & then here I'am on a Wednesday evening on December 19 2007 driving with the girls just got back from shopping cause I was leaving to NY that Friday. i tell them about a dream i had on Sunday and it was him walking out his building having his arms wrapped around a pregnant lady. Then I call his cousin not the same one, but the one who has the same blood running through her veins same last name at the end of her first name, written on her papers on every heading. Yeah that one. So we chatting I ask her about his where abouts. You know simple shit like

" have you heard about him"

then theirs silence then comes the

her: " I have to tell you something ( pause )

me: yeah?

her: he got a girl pregnant

me: (long pauseeeee) who?

her: you know that girl one of the twins that they said they were cousins? her.

me: hangs up.

While i process this through this pretty little brain of mine a million things start popping to my head. Some nasty deceiving type of I had to ask the lord that night to forgive me to erase those thoughts I kept seeing religiously. Through all this I'm walking into McDonald's, I start to cry so hard i didn't think they're were any more tears left inside. Then comes the anger which brought a lot of laughter. So I cry then laugh then cry then laugh again. I knew one thing if they were both here walking the hot beautiful ground of Florida that night. That morning would have not been a sunshine state anymore. I think I would have left the mercedez imprint on there bodies that night, but then I came to my senses and then I calmed down lol. The boy ain't man enough to tell me this I guess he should of followed usher when he made his confessions about that woman he hardly even knew. I didn't cry much though for months after that. I didn't think about it, just put it in the back of my mind. Second time I saw a picture of her. Her not compared to me not even an inch close to me street looking ugly ass little young fifteen year old girl with her belly showing. By this time you was eighteen I thought that was illegal. Then There came the tears so i called him " he laughed then hung up" it was the first time i spoke to him. It's funny cause when people fuck up and they know they fucked up shit suddenly is funny now. I did myself the honors and went to the club and had a blast that night. Next time I cried she was born. I saw him one day he wept to me for four hours straight, but by then I was over it, over him, over "US". Over an unhealthy once hot i thought i was gonna marry have this mans kids type of relationship. After almost three years of us not being together I've moved on experienced love again and he still living but he aint breathing, Ive had wonderful days and on those days were some of his worst days, have him making love songs expressing his love to me. Coincidence I heard a new one he made just last week. Sad thing is i don't feel the same he's saying things like he got married on 090204, but Ive moved on and he still grieving. So I'm guessing the tables just never stop turning. So i restate myself, like I said once there will never be anyone who loved you the way I loved you, and now that my love is gone and yours remains, You state my love wasn't pure cause it faded away, but shit if you loved me then what type of love is that to do such a heartbreaking thing? and even if we put us back together it ain't two no more but three and I never been fond of sharing so I guess that makes me one selfish bitch. Now you got a baby and she don't have my features, my breast milk, my blood, and her mothers maiden name. You stuck your dick in that bitch and your little girl came. I thank god it was her cause it could have been a disease or std. You know what they say "you lay with a dog you wake up with fleas." Now you don't know what to do cause the best part of you was me. Now your days are never good there simply okay. I understand its horrible trying to erase me from your memories. good luck on all that and just remember when a heart breaks it don't break evenly.

& all I wish for you today is to forget our love and bonnie and Clyde little story from yesterday

& invite someone else to share your dreams, goals, and your new found baby.

cause your days are now dark because you make them to be that way.

& say goodbye to our love because that shit has been long lost & gone.

& the little girl you once knew and the boy I shared three years of my life with

are hanging up on that tree. Can't you see that love has been dead to me?

So just remember to all those who read the book on your life

when you was with me I impacted your life, and baby now that's history.

& this is me after three years finally putting my past for everyone to see.

so to that hot love that ended with your misery, Please just let it rest in peace.

anyone else like me out there ???

have you ever thought like "shit i wonder if anybody else is like me" I find myself asking myself this all the time its like a sentence imprinted in my brain and its stuck on repeat and i cant stop it. I find myself in weird situations, switching my decisions so quick people don't even know what hit me but then again I'm like shit i don't even know what happened. It's like i like a nigga today tomorrow i wake up and hes completely erased from my brain.. I keep all my feelings inside, Idk never been the emotional spill type so people think I'm cold-hearted.. funny though cause i never used to be this way. so im guessing your heart is like food the day its made its so banging on some finger looking good and the next day you heat it up and it don't taste the same but you eat it cause you have to anyway. Now that I think of it Ive always hated food the next day lol but i guess that's how it works. Your heart starts out fresh and then you meet your first love and BOOM you welcome your first heartbreak and its like putting a broken record together it will never play the same. so my emotions are always kept inside. everyone thinks that i have no feelings but I'm no different I'm still a woman. My emotions run deep difference between me and most is they stay kept deep inside of me. As i sit back and think I dont remember the last time i cried.. it was so long ago. It takes a lot to break me down. The last thing i remember being sad about is missing a paper due at 11 and i submitted it at 11:01 got a 5 out of 50 now that was some heartbreaking shit. I talk to myself more then anyone else in this world.. I could be driving to work and re-live a conversation, a phrase, a situation that was said or that made me feel some type of way in my head. I'll change it around in so many different aspects to see what could have been a better outcome, and this is not just ones or twice a wk but everyday that i breathe. I'll be at a light and imagine my life 10 yrs from now its funny cause i dont worry about today but my tomorrow so much that i think that's why I do so good in school and work and so bad in getting in a relationship. I haven't came across a man who i could see spend the rest of my life with, and thats fine with me I love myself enough to make up for his absence until the day we meet. i could be completely happy one min then i felt mad, sad then happy all in a period of just 10 minutes. I could like somebody so hard and never admit it. I could hold back on strong feelings and walk out cause i know ill end up leaving him heartbroken and those are never my intentions. Dont get me wrong when i do fall in love im the ride or die type. idk much about the dying part anymore lol but last time i was in one thats how i used to be. Its been so long im not sure if thats how its still supposed to be. I could go through a heartbreak so bad and it wont hit me till a week later cause im trying to process my emotions and put them together in my head to decide how should i go about my reaction towards it. I could be sad but nobody would know, cause a smile is always across my face only time you dont see one is in math class and thats cause im concentrating hard as hell on the equation that was put up, and aint shit happy about that. I always wonder about the oddest thing we could be talking about how the grass is green and then ill pop out and say i wonder if the plants and trees and grass all talk to each other and thats why you see the winds shift them and theyre expressing there feelings. I hate watching tv. I believe the media is corrupt and so is the government and the banks is our biggest enemy. I could stay up all night reading about the masons, illuminatis, and theories that famous phylosophers have written. I find horoscopes to be fun to read about, and research what egyptians thought it was the way our earth changed ages. & im an aquarius the aquarius age is said to be coming soon so i guess we gonna start seeing some change for once. I wonder about the millions of other living things that live in our universe that people are to ignorant to realize. I could be in a public place and observe people families, kids, couples and imagine what there life is like on a mundane basis. its funny cause i feel so bad for people without even knowing them, for example i could see a construction man on his lunch break looking exhausted and tired and hot and wished his life didnt have to be that way. Not even knowing if hes a rich man and construction is his passion. Idk Ive always wished to be able to step out of my body and let my eyes watch me as i go about my day and wonder what i would think about myself if i wasnt me. does that make sense to you guys? idk life is weird itself so why not have someone as unique as me living in it. and to all those who feels this way too. we probably making history and are going to change the world one day. so fuck it ! we're just different and to those who judge us if they aint providing us with shit but opinions stfu! they werent asked for and very much not needed.

my heart is a driver behind tinted windows it appears to be dark but it sees you clearly. leaves your mind going in circles wondering does she like me or is it a mere game played intelligently. You and I both know I have you hooked and you don't even need help with phonics. Now your heart is misleading got you wanting things that you know i cant provide you with. I know we had a good time so you thought you had me but then I got home and forwarded your call. Don't mind me baby i just need more space then the universe may even allow. Never been a dreamer to find a man to tie me down or have to report to him my every move. Cause the last time I checked I thought I was MY own boss. I wont wait on a man to open my door, wait on me hands and feet. Cause anything you could do I could do better. I have a bad bitch mentality, good girl education, and a mans heart so my moods fluctuate like a thermostats mercury. My decisions change frequently pointing fingers the other direction because the blame remains unclaimed. BAD girls do BAD things don't be puzzled I came in to this situation with your same mind set go hard till i get in but the difference between you an I. I go hard then back out because my pussy is too good for an average joe wanting to hit it and quit it so what I guess Im one selfish bitch but you feening =p

I started writing about a lost love and then how i found love then how i lost it and then i realized shit ! my whole page is about love this love that. It's a beautiful feeling but I love myself too much to waste more post on how a love gone wrong. so let me start off by saying hello to all those i dont know and that read my post ! =]

I feel extremely content with my life right now I go to school full time and work for AT&T im busier then I really speak about being. Sleep is the most beautiful thing in life when your hardly getting it and geesz how i miss you. A successful person hardly sleeps and I heard its lonely at the top well im pretty content with being a loner. My mornings consist of school, afternoons of me, and nights with work. Notice how there's nothing else but things that consist with ME! & ladies this is how it should be ALWAYS.

You must keep your mind busy so you dont think about the bullshit that you think is worth thinking about or missing people that don't even deserve a space in your brain. So thats what I do bury myself into things that only involve me because to reach success one must be selfish and when you have reached the top thats when you become unselfish and not isolate yourself until then Im greedier then a mother fucker and madly and deeply in love with myself and not a significant other !

Been gone

I been gone for a while ..

school and work could really get to you, but im back =]

i haven't wrote anything in a while and today it feels like one of those days ..

" It's amazing the care one loses to someone that turns out be something but someone"

- Coco Chanel

You have to choose the things you want to win or lose ..

I've chosen myself and left you alone, & now your down & out, got you carrying the blues .

but the things that got confusing was ..You & me

because my moments spent with you felt like you were overseas ..

losing me was something you never wanted

so now the scent of my hair, the taste of my lips have left you haunted .

but you should have known that you let me down .

& now that im gone I guess the tables have turned, & now your left with a frown ..

after all of the times I used to pout & cry

I guess now you know you should have treated me with more courtesy ..

so now I bid you farewell .

& even though this hurts ..

it will hurt you more then it hurts me

& you may disagree, but the time is right

& unlike you my heart will grow stronger overnight

while yours .. oh poor you .. it will bleed while the walls close in on you

but I hope you find a better love & treat it right . & for this I pray deeply.

because without you I now have time to concentrate on myself

& love the inner I & this i'll pursue.

& for this I thank you .

Everlasting Love

I love you more then words could explain ..

Its like being addicted to something but it isn't cocaine.

I concentrate on you from the moment my eyes open wide .

& with you I promise to solely strictly abide, & remain on your side.

I carry you deep in my heart, think of you religiously .

Put you before anybody, Have you in my prayers ..

cause putting you next to someone nothing ever compares.

Made god realize how special you truly are to me ..

& with you ill even agree to even disagree.

Even let the world know that because of you I will never fail ..

& without you it would be so hard to exhale & inhale .

I've come to the conclusion that without you I would surely DIE .

& because I love you I know that you will never let me down

feeling all alone .

I'd like you to meet this person ..

her name is I if you knew her too

you'd realize that putting someone before yourself is long overdue.

As months passed by, we came together again .

I : I haven't heard from you in months.

He : I wrote you .

I : I never received it .

He : I never sent it .

Pride is one of our biggest MISTAKES.

Thought .....

I question today about ONE obstacle we face ...

how hard it is to love someone, find someone, & maintain that love .

It's as if the most beautiful things have the saddest endings ..

& no one can judge me if you have never felt this way ..

going through something that you felt like you couldn't get through ..

& no matter how much you try to let it go, it seems so hard

& the days drag on, you maintain yourself so busy so thoughts

of what used to be no longer are thought of ..

& you cant even remember the last kiss, last hug, last intimate moment

that was shared, because the truth is as time passes you forget them as they too

forget you ... its like going on a battle with time wishing it could win ..

let the days pass by, nights creep in and memories start diminishing.

& you start to see less and less of those beautiful moments that were shared

& more and more of the bad things start becoming more vivid ..

opens up your eyes to so many things you were to blind to see ..

because all you saw was a everlasting love .. & the more you held the

harder he tugged .. It was a constant see saw commotion but you always ended up at the bottom .. wondering why ? why cant god just help me ? why cant I just pick up my bags and leave ?

why don't good things happen if i believe . I know what I say and I understand what I speak because I was once the writer and director of that train.

Getting my heartbroken by one , & breaking the heart of another .

so to all who face this ; Im guessing its a part of this thing called LIFE.

I have always loved CHANGE, but sometimes its just so sad.

Looking back at my earlier teenage years I must admit I have had my share of fun:

Clubbing nights, watching the sunrise, it was party all night sleep all day. At fourteen getting into almost every club that was 18 years and over Now that Im of age it all seems played out to me. We all want to grow up so fast that we miss out on the good things in life that are supposed to be experienced at a certain time, and to see all these 14, 15 and 16 yr old girls having babies hurts me, because they dont get to squeeze all the good juice in life. & oh the wonders of friendships that have came and went as quick as the seasons change .. the relationships who were once a flower and died out like it never got watered, but I guess its all a part of growing up. Imagine a world without change.. hmm .. how sad it would truly be. & this is OUR generation you know the one you hear about being said " how sad this generation has come to be" but Im almost 100% sure the grown folks forgot who raised us.

PARTY LIFE

Ladies Night ♥

Lavish Night Life .

MEN .

hmm ..

If every women in the world was given a chance

to help write a dictionary about what defines a man

I wonder how long that book would be.

I'm pretty sure every women has had a good share of experiences

with a player, a thug, a man trying to find himself, an emotional spill type,

and the ones that you only find at night.

I must say life is quite the character.

but we as women are so fragile that we fall for the ones who don't even deserve

us .. that seem to manipulate your thoughts, and grasp a hold of you so

tight that you cant seem to shake it off, funny shit is he's not even touching you

& ends up hurting you more then bleeding and bruises. That's probably why

most of us let scar tissue replace our heart, so we feel nothing,

express nothing, and rid of those who are trying to get close.

so you become this lady with your head held high yearning for a significant other

but when they hand you there resume you don't believe what your given

cause wasting your time on some else is not your desire.

To afraid to open your heart and invite someone in .

but its like why give some stranger your heart?

I think this is where WE as women fuck up !

Why give the last person in your life the benefit to make such a BIG impact in your life

and hold you from true happiness when he wasn't worth shit to begin with.

I'm not the vengeful type and sit here and talk shit about the man because

in one point of it he did make me happy, and that's where we must all

come to realize .. he wasn't the right one for you but to some one

else he probably will mean the world to her ..

so ladies when LOVE knocks the shit out of you &

NOBODY is there to pick you up.

PUT on some HOT ass heels PARTY HARDY and let love find you

& when it touches you .. cherish it .

life is to short to want something but be to afraid of letting it happen

most of us are MORE afraid of a heartbreak then falling in love.

As you can probably tell all my blogs have been pieces of my poetry ..

I haven't really actually sat down and blogged about my ideals and thoughts .

If I could sit down and write down every little thing that goes through my head

for the 365 days that are in every year, 24 hours that are in the day we would

all be sitting here for hours upon hours .

I've visited a couple of blogs and I must say that its funny how we think

we are the only people that are probably going through a bad break up

family crisis, dead beat job, school is giving us a headache,

and that feeling in your body that tells your mind you just

want to get away far far way to a place where everything is strange

and start a ENTIRE new life where no one knows you.

& when your ready .. come back to your life here ..

Im pretty sure somebody has felt that way cause geesz.

I sure have .

hmm ..

so let me start by saying HELLO to everyone who has read my blog

or follows me. Sometimes I might not update because I've been a tad held up with

this new job, and school right around the corner.

but ill always come around <3

Last night I took a journey with you .. we soared far away from here today

forgetting all of our struggles from yesterday.

Emotions ran deep inside of me just looking in your eyes I could see you & I in we

Haven't felt this way in a about a couple of years

I could tell your past has scarred you probably even made you shed some tears.

This is where I come in and have you drop your defenses,

because I don't want this to end right after it starts.

If you met me now you wouldn't have met me then when things got hot

I was quick to leave breaking more hearts then deceased at a cemetery,

but our trip together made a change in me, no longer

afraid to invite you in so kick off your shoes and get comfortable

because according to the stars our match is compatible,

and my oh my how delicious it would be to inhale your smell,

kiss your lips, and caress your skin traditionally.

You called today, I heard it in your voice the way you missed me.

You longed for those long lost days that I made love to your mind

but you made shit so complicated I had to leave it all behind.

My heart grew tired of that pain you feel when your all alone

when I was on my hands & knees & you faced your back to me.

I must ADMIT

I lost myself in you, took a while to get back,

but that love I had for you it was young & lord how I have grown.

You asked how I was doing today & it was such a beautiful day,

I responded honestly "I'm great. how are you?"

& to your dismay you answered shocked " wow I haven't heard you say that in a while"

As if I was supposed to be missing your love being down and out,

despair crawling all over me, but you had the best of me now that I'm gone

you probably realize it was all worthwhile.

emotions run deep with me.. real deep.. inside of me

& Yeidi and (his name here) are long past due

because I love ME way more then I love you.

so when you find that one true love you know that girl who will treat you

like shit and you surrender to her because making the same mistakes twice is

not your desire. I hope you think of me cause you could have had it all

there was a BEST in we. & it aint about we aint meant to be

because faith without "work" aint shit its WEAK.

& you were a BAD employee .

so glasses in the AIR I raise a toast to every man who lost me .

because there's no better replica of the blue print copy.

<3

BADASS.

welcome to my world .

me in a nutshell

I

dreamBIG

hateNEVER

loveDEEPLY

thinkTOOMUCH

partyHARD

drinkLIGHTLY

laughLOUDLY

cryRARELY

missMANY

regretNOTHING

obcessionBLACKBERRY

haveTWOBFFS

& like ice in my milk :)

& to my surprise I have fallen in love .

deep

deep

deep

deep

deep

in love

& its you .

its you .

you've come out from no where

the way I'm feeling I could be a multi billionaire

theres nobody else, baby I make you understand

love me, have me, be one with me

& its not a request its a simple command .

I dont wanna let this go ..

I wanna work hard, overtime

no breaks baby, cause you fill me up

lets just let this grow ..

I bless the day you came to me ..

we started from nothing & now making history

You dont know what you mean to me

lets free from thoughts and let our hearts just simply be.

<3

I remember those dark lost days when nothing seemed familiar when your reflection was a complete stranger ..

Your nights felt long .. your mind wasnt at ease ..

you pushed any potential away cause you knew you were nothing but danger.

It was like waking up one day and forgetting who you were ..

like that little girl you once knew completely went astray ..

far far away where it was to late to actually grasp a hold of her

& to your dismay you felt alone .. in a room full of friends .

& anything that anyone said it all just offends.

You couldnt even find a way to express how it felt

You got so caught up in what you thought was love

that that warm little heart, you let it just melt .

& now you felt no emotion ..

You didnt know wether you were happy, sad, or mad

just BLANK

& everything around you was just a destructive commotion.

It was like being locked in a room and only you could find the key

but physically you were there but your mind was overseas.

& then you hear the door & the light seeps through ..

after all the thinking and dwelling and questions repeated over and over again

you feel that bomb tick, & now he wants you but your out of his league

you didnt recognize you cause your no longer a kid

so you bid him farewell & thank him for the gift.

cause he made you experience one hot love and a cold heartbreak.

.. words ...

Feet on the ground Head in the clouds.

I've always looked up at the stars and just wondered could they be holes on heavens floor? or .. recarnation? have you ever thought about if your gonna live better in your next life or be the man at the stop light asking for money? Have you ever stopped and thought about what are the things that bring joy to your life? or about the people who have walked in to your life made you hurt but have taught you lessons? but we fuck up more then priest that hear confessions.. Or why we always seem to easily break up a friendship .. and make up over and over again with a man we THINK we love . Have you ever wondered what it is that drives you wild? Or if there really is more then one god like there were in ancient greek .. what were the things that changed us? broke us ? & why did we allow them to .. have you ever wondered what brings day and night? or what the man next door thinks of you and the way you carry yourself? have you ever thought about what makes people hate .. what brings rage to there mind .. when coming out the womb there minds were so innocent .. Have you ever sat in a room full of people and felt alone? what made you fall in love with your first love .. & if it meant the world to you .. why did you let it go? what ever happened to " i have a dream " when so much racism still exist .. have you ever wondered how are churches are so rich but there so much poverty? have you ever thought about why teachers keep so many secrets from us? Why were drugs ever made? How is it possible to clone a human, but the cure for aids and cancer has not yet been found? is it because they get rich off of treatments? or why do we kill our own flesh and blood .. or why enemies come and go .. but friends stay and betray? have you ever thought about what makes a person take their own life and treat it unworthy?

I wonder ..

have you ever believe that trees and plants and grass and flowers all communicate, and we think we are the only living things living here? or how were people really created? why is birth happier then death when we are probably living in hell but we just call it earth? or if your next door neighboors ever killed, raped, hurt, or are full of depression when they wave your way? What ever makes a person a person? A man a great man .. a woman a strong woman .. and a child just a child? life is full of questions, lessons, betrayal, honor, dishonor, love, hate, war, peace, but its all in your mind .. live it wisely .

because this is a rich mans world .. we live & die .. & the wheels on the bus go round & round .

Your heart no longer beats for me ,

At least we know now that we was never meant to be.

Time wasted, all your mixed emotions toying with my affection

After all I showed you was nothing but devotion.

It's like my mind wanted to speak ..

Grab my heart squeeze it out

" MAN UP LITTLE BITCH YOUR NOT THAT WEAK!"

But my heart saluted you, respected you,

made you head captain of the boat, made promises too.

You put me last when I put you first,

yet you grabbed my hand and made me follow you,

cause you knew I desired nothing more then a love so true.

But you were green, you wanted me yet tried to work for free

when I worked 9 to 5 everyday you were out on a shopping spree..

Your mind buying hoes that could never compare to me.

So I decided to leave .. walk out head high, because it was YOU who caused this to flee.

As time passed are eyes met again, mine were still and black but yours ?

They cried to me, pleaded to me, said stories that were supposed to be told when we were " we"

You made something so easy have so many complications. So now my heart beats slow

while yours is on a monitor trying to survive.. so when it reaches that flat line ...

Remember it was YOU who caused yourself all this devastation,

Im sorry you lost something so good ..

cause I was better then clothes, money, and the air you breathe,

and thats how you died on a September so sweet .

RIP .

Today I ran into an old friend , we spoke about dreams , goals , fears . In him I saw something i havent seen in a while



My body asked for him , my lips quivered for the innocent touch of his lips , my mind ran wild as unclean thoughts kept unfolding , see this is how i imagined it ....


I grab you close , gaze into your eyes kiss you softly as you firmly place your hands on my delicate neck we kiss passionately , adrenaline rushing , hands moving , as you cup my breast in the palms of your hands I pour my soul unto you hold you tighter kiss you harder . toungue moving slowly wanting you to feel me , slowly you grab me unbutton my shirt removing my bra you take em into your mouth sucking them slowly , your hands move downward as the zipper of my pants come down jeans hit the floor , thong following them . As we lay , you on top you explore my forbidden temple with the tip of your toungue as your aquainted with my apple , you lick it moving up and down I moan with pleasure , mind running wild wanting you to feel the inner walls of my inner soul , I grab tighter to the sheets , legs shaking , body feeling numb as i climax , open i lay as you insert your manhood inside of me , holding on tight to your body I give myself to you , as I hold on , breathing gets harder . You move in slowly then harder then slow again . My hearts racing faster , our bodies interwine sweat dripping down , as you slow down , i start shaking our bodies giving in . you lay on top gaze into my eyes , as you pour your heart to me . a night of passion and discovery is what we experienced , soon it starts fading i hear a distant ringing , bell rings time to wake up , as a good dream unfolded itself . hungry i wait strongly believing dreams soon become reality

Everyday before my eyes change takes place I see eyes grow empty , hearts fill with ice , I know things confuse you but I dont wanna go I dont wanna see you cry, but you see im a living dream a soul thats free for I fly away to seek a brighter day ... forever I expand my horizons of knowledge and my analytical minds draw me towards science. Though not easily agitated, patient and persevering, it is not easy to change my mind or opinion . Its hard for others to adapt to new foundations as I easily make myself fit like a puzzle piece, brightest one on the board.. I dont only mesh with the crowd but I must say i stand out the way the star of david did on the jews .. for where ever I float away to tomorrow positivity is always a must . Now I know things havent been easy to the life style im living and for this i dont blame you when i hear you tripping but as long as your willing to fly away with me no reason to wonder why.. I want you to clear your mind of worries ... ( pause )

blank page ..

let me be the writer , the artist , therapist , physician all of the above . hand me your trust , your heart, surrender to me .. i ask for one wish please don't overcrowd me with this thing called emotion lets keep this logical and intelluctual for a session of mind fucking is what im into .. all I lust for is your eyes i dive in to seek the depths within... you have me but I must be shared . for i believe "There are so many miracles in this world for eyes to behold, seems a terrible waste for two pairs to do nothing but gaze into each others depths " .. now im not here to lose you .. but the time has come for me to show you and for this i must now depart I must leave you now .. I will still touch you on those breezy summer days , and caress your body when your warm in your bed .. mentally im there for what we shared is imprinted not only in your mind but in your heart .. for i love you everyday .. but i must start a new life just now .. I hear many determine there tomorrow by how they are today but how can one say that when today might just be there last day ? ... set me free for a social butterfly I'am ... Ill be back one day and i will say i am not what i was .. but much more than i am .

I stand before the people I call friends and family looking at them in a sense I much don’t understand anymore. We were taught in school that of the teachings that were allowed “ accepted “ in this setup our system has made up teaching us to cooperate for disaster will soon seek us . We are taught to not be fake to not tell a lie but what is fake when our government is only full of secrecy, betrayals, and fake war cries . Our people the ones we call our fellow leaders are full of oppression, violence, and betrayal . Innocence being stripped away from those of a group of people they call brotherhood . I stand here .. dumb founded as I question myself repeatedly . What is brotherhood? What is unity? What is friendship? How can one believe in one another when we were raised to believe in something that is the total opposite of what has been really going on behind closed doors for centuries. I once heard say America is strong .. but what’s so strong about a country who takes away the lives people who were trained to believe they were born to fulfill a mission . A mission in which they know nothing of .. I pray deeply. I pray to the god I was raised to believe , confused . Our bible the book in which many live by has so many pages that were left unpublished .. We go by the words of a book that was man written . Who’s to say this man wasn’t behind all this as well. I lose faith not on god .. but on our selves the human race. We ask ourselves why is the world so cruel so unclean so vulgar. See money talks . They say there’s no cure for aids that of cancer , yet how much money do you think our country makes from treatments, facilities. Yet we lay there dying slowly , but surely .

I want the kind of love thats kind of like

can't eat, cant sleep

reach for the stars

over the fence

world series kind of thing ....

it'll know where to find me ill be patiently waiting .

Pardom me for the inconvenience .

I swear I didnt mean to break you heart, the joy of riding passenger in my mercedez finished right after the start ...

sadly I saw your heart grow fond of me , forgive me I just did'nt see You and I in ''WE''.

Its not you because affection and emotions were given ... but I'd like to introduce you to yeidi [ hellooo ] she's intellectually driven.

Loneliness fills your surroundings again, Im sorry to hear that but I'd prefer that then I inflict you with strain.

Believe me when I say that was never my intention, but I guess your heart was doing the leading, because your mind was screaming, but you kept insisting .. and did'nt pay attention.

You should have known cause after we was kissing and hugging I'd get home and forward your call, forgive me dear I just did'nt see you being the one I surrender to and give him my all.

But open your mind .. see things on the bright side.. maybe GOD just could'nt stand it .. US being an item and all, because he allowed you to walk out free handed.

You probably see me and find me cold hearted .. but you haven't met billy ... ask him ... HONEY .. I left you whole hearted.

It could have been bad timing or the way you whined and did all that nagging. I gotta admit your so cute though if it wasnt for your ways I'd probably go look for you in two years or so .

Just wait and see you'll remember me .. when you two are reading your vows, and she tells you what a great man you've become to be .. it's because I made your heart bleed, and your a man now because of me .

<3

I have a man in my life .

The one I cry to when I'm feeling down even if he has a bad day Always smiles and puts the frown away ,

gives me and gives me till I pry him to his last dollar too , and keeps his promises and says you know your my baby you little spoiled brat you .

the man who got me my Benz at sixteen and because of him Ive become so lo - ving .

Heart bigger then the universe ..taught me how to love deeply hate rarely and before jumping to something with this man I must converse first . lol

Wiped my tears when the world felt like it was on top of my shoulders .. Whispered please yeidi never let your heart go from warm to colder .

Held his hand and followed him leading .. Because I knew he would'nt walk out and leave my heart bleeding .

He loves me more then a sterile father cares for his adopted child .. And not having him in my life ..man I'd be lost have a hundred tattoos probably be in major credit card debt .. this cruel cold world would have been pretty wild too.

He never lays his hands on me .. He says that's all it takes to make a women flee .. And if a man ever does that he'd definentely leave the ultimate crime scene .

CSI would be shocked of what would be left in sight . Cause he'd kill him bare hands and with all of his might .

He Checks on me before he starts his day makes sure I'm tucked in bed .. Says he can't function if worry starts popping up in his head .

He'd never let me down .. Put me first as if I wore a crown .

I mean mommy is his queen .. But for his first daughter my daddys a feen .

And I just portrayed what I want my husband lover and friend to be .

Because daddy You were just the greatest role model for me <333>

i LOVE you daddy , my PAPA CHU !

Let me dive deep into your mind get lost in the journey,

Our souls interwining, hearts encompassing ...

as time passes compassion fails ..

We fear the clock ticking .

I want to be in love ..

fall deep into a hole full of dreams

have someone to fall onto ..

kiss you .. hold you .. secure you .

keep you safe in my box locked away

they say love comes at the right time ..

what time ?

& will it find me or should I go on a journey

searching for it ?

"You're driving me crazy with your terrible lies,

Your republican banter,

& your FAKE war cries"

intense encounters .

<3

I dont know maybe it was in the way you looked at me with those black mysterious eyes piercing into mines as if we crossed paths in our past lives ...

Or in the way you kissed me .. your toungue playing with mines as if they were long lost friends... freeing from error making amends. .. the way you caressed my hair as I slowly climbed up for a ride .. as our bodies dripped wet.. as they slowly began to collide

the way you examined my body ... closely... analyzing every beauty mark, scar, and perfection that completely memorized those eyes .. & I swear I thought I heard you pray to god ..thanking him for this first place prize .

I gave myself to you .. made YOU the owner .. handed you the title .. you became those bodily organs that are essential to life, as the brain, heart, liver, lungs, and stomach .. so vital .


I never thought you'd be by my side when the hardships came knocking at the door, but surely you were my guide ... listened when I cried told me to put all my problems aside .. I imagine us floating... far far away from all this rucus... concentrate on a particular pursuit, it'd be so devoting.


Though time will tell.. I pray... deeply, because of your venemous infection I never want to bid you farewell and remember our story as a fairy tale told cheaply.

so to more happy days, long evenings spent chatting, and late night encounters of love making ! CHEERS !

Second Chance

Now I had a second chance you know at the thing called love. Now I'm not sure if it was love or a mere fact of infactuation, but mann was I in it to win, but due to YOUR luck & how things fuck up my picture frame wont contain us.

I had the best summer one year one of those you never seem to forget. I remember the way we kissed, the way your hands slowly guided its way to find mine. It was one of those hot summers that make your hairs stand up just thinking about all the moments, laughs, and tears that were shared.. I find it kind of odd though the way things just seem to fall into place, but I had felt alive again .. You know that feeling that feels like your dreaming and you never want to wake up because then your afraid that time just might change us.. & i knew I had to hold on to you, because I imagined life with you and how delicious it would just be, & leaving you was one of the hardest things to deal with because everytime I saw you I knew we had an expiration date, but even though you were a thousand miles away I swear you couldnt have felt any closer. My heart was a home and I gladly invited you....and it didn't have to be "sunny" for me to "delight" you. All those nights we shared with beautiful conversations slowly turned into nights of missing you... the old you. As days passed I noticed the change in you .. Don't you remember? Aren't you familiar with that man I once knew, because there was no more I love yous ..The visits lessend.. criticism got worst .. fights just seem to grow . I was losing faith in you, but still I imagined you to be this GREAT man in my head & man did I love him ..and love blinds your eyes....so u can't even see.....so whatever you hear touch taste or breathe your mind makes you believe....how ironic? I thought seeing was believing.....and you what? I believe it, and no matter all the fights all the let downs I still held on .. & as our lives slowly unraveled another year to come. There was no more growth I mean we were growing up but our lives seemed so different now .. we didnt connect no more.. had nothing to talk about until one night you poured your heart out to me, as I asked simple questions but the person acts stupid...and it aint hard to give simple answers....but when you lie you tend the chatter....on and on to change the subject...flipping the topic until you say fuck it but your so blinded in a game of seeing....that you hold their hand and follow them leading...& I know it was my fault to have let it ride for so long because advice was given but apologies and smiles easily fixed it. my eyes were open but I wasnt watching shyt.. I didn't acknowledge it even when things were obvious. My heart slowly turned to ice.. see now you got to work over time to make up for what you lost but of course very few are willing for that cause so you quit.....hoping to find better benefits and still get to come back without putting in a two weeks notice but I must say life is quite the character.

"so if someones sweet like tangerines....it don't mean that's how they act and speak" -- Ian Lee Hwang

Wife FOR life

The friends who grew up with you deserve a special respect- the ones who stuck by you shoulder to shoulder, in a time when nothing was certain, all life lay ahead, and every road led home

Piece Of Cake - Piece Of Pie

i love you - i love you too

It went from drinking pop to drinking beer, blowing bubbles to blowing it down, painting in art class to getting tattoos, sneaking out till we had no curphew, Riding the school bus to mercedez and tiburon, awards to diplomas, occupations to degrees, allowance to jobs, familys to divorce, crying to dad to crying for boys, laughters to tears to laughters again. Eating totones every saturday tijuanas every other day. Gold to pearls, sneakers to heels, baby fat to curves, mosquito bites to tits, Best of friends; virginities getting taken, hearts getting broken, so called friends walking in and out ..It literally is through sickness and in health I watched you mature from being this little chubby girl to this beautiful strong young lady. Its an eye for an eye babyy. Best Friends till the day we die i love u so much 021504

"Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe unto him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up." -- The Bible: Ecclesiastes 4:9-10.

Little girl LOST in love.

Now im not sure what hurt the most ..
losing you or growing up because of you ..

The plant that grew started as a seed turning into the rarest kind of it's own. It's journey to growing was as wild as a blooming flower feeling as alive as any healthy being. For the air it breathed was like no other. Had a feeling of power, life full of beauty surrounded it. Beat was as heavy as a gallopinghorse. Through rain or shine those roots would not give in giving up was never an option .. As Time passed the drought got heavy. Second thoughts were sinking in thoughts of re - plotting was definently the answer. Questions turned weak for the sun didn't shine as bright, the rain grew stronger, light started dimming. Blurry visions , slowly escalating into a death deep within, faith no longer was in any condition to pull from down under . No longer counting the blessings for my roots grew tired from being torn you see the stems got heavy leaves matured quickly , to live I needed you , but now I see your seeds never ceized to grow old . Germination began into something quite different a flower I became .

Memories slowly fade away .. I guess our brain was just designed that way ..