hmm ..
let me recap on when i thought it was felt or it was real or maybe shit was all in my head and i imagined it to be something that it really wasn't. Sometimes i feel like the relationships were really experienced in my head and nothing more.
fourteen fresh meat into my teen years I thought i was on top of the world little badass you asked no questions cause i provided no answers. daddy said you ain't going out hit 10 o clock there he was waiting for me in his little red car. We was a hot little thing, I thought i had the baddest nigga around and he was only sixteen. My parents didn't like him and it made it more HOT. His family didn't like me cause they thought id make him go crazy, but who cares he's the one with me and obviously they NOT. so those were the last of our worries, we said fuck it to everything else that didn't concern US. A year unfolded I lost my virginity, another year went by we was on some ride or die type shit. Suicidal type i had to sit in the emergency room because of a stunt he pulled trying to prove to me his love. One eye for an eye on some crazy knock on your door like I was a part of the swat team about to raid his house only difference was it wasn't for drugs it was to see if your love was real enough to be faithful to me, but the bitches kept coming dodging statements like "I'm a part of his life boo" had me hurting more then a bullet aimed straight to my heart. Yet again here comes love to the rescue saving your ass more then a sinner who sins religiously and god still welcomes him into his house too. I'll admit i was a bitch and I'm sorry for that, always been a spoiled brat if it wasn't my way then mother fucker i was out on my own and you hated the fact that i've always been independent . so you let me have it my way over and over again till the fights just began. Then There came many breaks up but with you & I we couldn't wait for the make ups. if i was happy that was all that mattered and BOOM here comes the part where the tables start turning. I tell you one day its over you start to cry I say " why you crying honey wipe your eyes its over I'm done I don't want you no more" a couple mean shit were said like "I don't love you no more wish i would have never lost my virginity to you" but I guess he failed to realize i was just mad and there they go emotions controlling the things that come out your mouth. So you left to new york, but I wasn't surprised running away from your problems was always a habit for you . Then there was the "cousin" you know the one they say they grew up with, they cool with the family got them living with them and shit. Got pictures on his page reading "wifey" got me confused. I thought you was always too cool for myspace, and there comes the family trying to back up his story, so i believed it when shit was obvious but obviously I wasn't watching shit. Then there was the feeling you know a woman gets when you know something about to happen that hasn't even happened yet or even thought about on the other end to start acting on it. I always knew he would get another girl pregnant, and i would tell him that. Now hes the ultimate badass now my tears don't mean shit to him. Start disrespecting me in ways I'm like "wtf ! where did this new man come from?" so now I'm tired of begging I mean yeah I love him but shit we all got some type of dignity. So here comes the walls start building up again. Then I get a aim a month or two later and it reads something like " I wanna get back to the way things used to be, I wanna love you and no one else please take me back I promise to never abuse our love and love you unconditionally" and then again another chance given, but this time it was different. This time something went wrong. Three weeks later and nothing no calls. No text, no aim, no emails straight NADA & then here I'am on a Wednesday evening on December 19 2007 driving with the girls just got back from shopping cause I was leaving to NY that Friday. i tell them about a dream i had on Sunday and it was him walking out his building having his arms wrapped around a pregnant lady. Then I call his cousin not the same one, but the one who has the same blood running through her veins same last name at the end of her first name, written on her papers on every heading. Yeah that one. So we chatting I ask her about his where abouts. You know simple shit like
" have you heard about him"
then theirs silence then comes the
her: " I have to tell you something ( pause )
me: yeah?
her: he got a girl pregnant
me: (long pauseeeee) who?
her: you know that girl one of the twins that they said they were cousins? her.
me: hangs up.
While i process this through this pretty little brain of mine a million things start popping to my head. Some nasty deceiving type of I had to ask the lord that night to forgive me to erase those thoughts I kept seeing religiously. Through all this I'm walking into McDonald's, I start to cry so hard i didn't think they're were any more tears left inside. Then comes the anger which brought a lot of laughter. So I cry then laugh then cry then laugh again. I knew one thing if they were both here walking the hot beautiful ground of Florida that night. That morning would have not been a sunshine state anymore. I think I would have left the mercedez imprint on there bodies that night, but then I came to my senses and then I calmed down lol. The boy ain't man enough to tell me this I guess he should of followed usher when he made his confessions about that woman he hardly even knew. I didn't cry much though for months after that. I didn't think about it, just put it in the back of my mind. Second time I saw a picture of her. Her not compared to me not even an inch close to me street looking ugly ass little young fifteen year old girl with her belly showing. By this time you was eighteen I thought that was illegal. Then There came the tears so i called him " he laughed then hung up" it was the first time i spoke to him. It's funny cause when people fuck up and they know they fucked up shit suddenly is funny now. I did myself the honors and went to the club and had a blast that night. Next time I cried she was born. I saw him one day he wept to me for four hours straight, but by then I was over it, over him, over "US". Over an unhealthy once hot i thought i was gonna marry have this mans kids type of relationship. After almost three years of us not being together I've moved on experienced love again and he still living but he aint breathing, Ive had wonderful days and on those days were some of his worst days, have him making love songs expressing his love to me. Coincidence I heard a new one he made just last week. Sad thing is i don't feel the same he's saying things like he got married on 090204, but Ive moved on and he still grieving. So I'm guessing the tables just never stop turning. So i restate myself, like I said once there will never be anyone who loved you the way I loved you, and now that my love is gone and yours remains, You state my love wasn't pure cause it faded away, but shit if you loved me then what type of love is that to do such a heartbreaking thing? and even if we put us back together it ain't two no more but three and I never been fond of sharing so I guess that makes me one selfish bitch. Now you got a baby and she don't have my features, my breast milk, my blood, and her mothers maiden name. You stuck your dick in that bitch and your little girl came. I thank god it was her cause it could have been a disease or std. You know what they say "you lay with a dog you wake up with fleas." Now you don't know what to do cause the best part of you was me. Now your days are never good there simply okay. I understand its horrible trying to erase me from your memories. good luck on all that and just remember when a heart breaks it don't break evenly.
& all I wish for you today is to forget our love and bonnie and Clyde little story from yesterday
& invite someone else to share your dreams, goals, and your new found baby.
cause your days are now dark because you make them to be that way.
& say goodbye to our love because that shit has been long lost & gone.
& the little girl you once knew and the boy I shared three years of my life with
are hanging up on that tree. Can't you see that love has been dead to me?
So just remember to all those who read the book on your life
when you was with me I impacted your life, and baby now that's history.
& this is me after three years finally putting my past for everyone to see.
so to that hot love that ended with your misery, Please just let it rest in peace.
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