Love .... ??

The concept of these words are so easy to say, these four letter are thrown around so freely I think we all forgot or maybe just never knew what the context of the content really meant in the first place?

hmm ..

let me recap on when i thought it was felt or it was real or maybe shit was all in my head and i imagined it to be something that it really wasn't. Sometimes i feel like the relationships were really experienced in my head and nothing more.

fourteen fresh meat into my teen years I thought i was on top of the world little badass you asked no questions cause i provided no answers. daddy said you ain't going out hit 10 o clock there he was waiting for me in his little red car. We was a hot little thing, I thought i had the baddest nigga around and he was only sixteen. My parents didn't like him and it made it more HOT. His family didn't like me cause they thought id make him go crazy, but who cares he's the one with me and obviously they NOT. so those were the last of our worries, we said fuck it to everything else that didn't concern US. A year unfolded I lost my virginity, another year went by we was on some ride or die type shit. Suicidal type i had to sit in the emergency room because of a stunt he pulled trying to prove to me his love. One eye for an eye on some crazy knock on your door like I was a part of the swat team about to raid his house only difference was it wasn't for drugs it was to see if your love was real enough to be faithful to me, but the bitches kept coming dodging statements like "I'm a part of his life boo" had me hurting more then a bullet aimed straight to my heart. Yet again here comes love to the rescue saving your ass more then a sinner who sins religiously and god still welcomes him into his house too. I'll admit i was a bitch and I'm sorry for that, always been a spoiled brat if it wasn't my way then mother fucker i was out on my own and you hated the fact that i've always been independent . so you let me have it my way over and over again till the fights just began. Then There came many breaks up but with you & I we couldn't wait for the make ups. if i was happy that was all that mattered and BOOM here comes the part where the tables start turning. I tell you one day its over you start to cry I say " why you crying honey wipe your eyes its over I'm done I don't want you no more" a couple mean shit were said like "I don't love you no more wish i would have never lost my virginity to you" but I guess he failed to realize i was just mad and there they go emotions controlling the things that come out your mouth. So you left to new york, but I wasn't surprised running away from your problems was always a habit for you . Then there was the "cousin" you know the one they say they grew up with, they cool with the family got them living with them and shit. Got pictures on his page reading "wifey" got me confused. I thought you was always too cool for myspace, and there comes the family trying to back up his story, so i believed it when shit was obvious but obviously I wasn't watching shit. Then there was the feeling you know a woman gets when you know something about to happen that hasn't even happened yet or even thought about on the other end to start acting on it. I always knew he would get another girl pregnant, and i would tell him that. Now hes the ultimate badass now my tears don't mean shit to him. Start disrespecting me in ways I'm like "wtf ! where did this new man come from?" so now I'm tired of begging I mean yeah I love him but shit we all got some type of dignity. So here comes the walls start building up again. Then I get a aim a month or two later and it reads something like " I wanna get back to the way things used to be, I wanna love you and no one else please take me back I promise to never abuse our love and love you unconditionally" and then again another chance given, but this time it was different. This time something went wrong. Three weeks later and nothing no calls. No text, no aim, no emails straight NADA & then here I'am on a Wednesday evening on December 19 2007 driving with the girls just got back from shopping cause I was leaving to NY that Friday. i tell them about a dream i had on Sunday and it was him walking out his building having his arms wrapped around a pregnant lady. Then I call his cousin not the same one, but the one who has the same blood running through her veins same last name at the end of her first name, written on her papers on every heading. Yeah that one. So we chatting I ask her about his where abouts. You know simple shit like

" have you heard about him"

then theirs silence then comes the

her: " I have to tell you something ( pause )

me: yeah?

her: he got a girl pregnant

me: (long pauseeeee) who?

her: you know that girl one of the twins that they said they were cousins? her.

me: hangs up.

While i process this through this pretty little brain of mine a million things start popping to my head. Some nasty deceiving type of I had to ask the lord that night to forgive me to erase those thoughts I kept seeing religiously. Through all this I'm walking into McDonald's, I start to cry so hard i didn't think they're were any more tears left inside. Then comes the anger which brought a lot of laughter. So I cry then laugh then cry then laugh again. I knew one thing if they were both here walking the hot beautiful ground of Florida that night. That morning would have not been a sunshine state anymore. I think I would have left the mercedez imprint on there bodies that night, but then I came to my senses and then I calmed down lol. The boy ain't man enough to tell me this I guess he should of followed usher when he made his confessions about that woman he hardly even knew. I didn't cry much though for months after that. I didn't think about it, just put it in the back of my mind. Second time I saw a picture of her. Her not compared to me not even an inch close to me street looking ugly ass little young fifteen year old girl with her belly showing. By this time you was eighteen I thought that was illegal. Then There came the tears so i called him " he laughed then hung up" it was the first time i spoke to him. It's funny cause when people fuck up and they know they fucked up shit suddenly is funny now. I did myself the honors and went to the club and had a blast that night. Next time I cried she was born. I saw him one day he wept to me for four hours straight, but by then I was over it, over him, over "US". Over an unhealthy once hot i thought i was gonna marry have this mans kids type of relationship. After almost three years of us not being together I've moved on experienced love again and he still living but he aint breathing, Ive had wonderful days and on those days were some of his worst days, have him making love songs expressing his love to me. Coincidence I heard a new one he made just last week. Sad thing is i don't feel the same he's saying things like he got married on 090204, but Ive moved on and he still grieving. So I'm guessing the tables just never stop turning. So i restate myself, like I said once there will never be anyone who loved you the way I loved you, and now that my love is gone and yours remains, You state my love wasn't pure cause it faded away, but shit if you loved me then what type of love is that to do such a heartbreaking thing? and even if we put us back together it ain't two no more but three and I never been fond of sharing so I guess that makes me one selfish bitch. Now you got a baby and she don't have my features, my breast milk, my blood, and her mothers maiden name. You stuck your dick in that bitch and your little girl came. I thank god it was her cause it could have been a disease or std. You know what they say "you lay with a dog you wake up with fleas." Now you don't know what to do cause the best part of you was me. Now your days are never good there simply okay. I understand its horrible trying to erase me from your memories. good luck on all that and just remember when a heart breaks it don't break evenly.

& all I wish for you today is to forget our love and bonnie and Clyde little story from yesterday

& invite someone else to share your dreams, goals, and your new found baby.

cause your days are now dark because you make them to be that way.

& say goodbye to our love because that shit has been long lost & gone.

& the little girl you once knew and the boy I shared three years of my life with

are hanging up on that tree. Can't you see that love has been dead to me?

So just remember to all those who read the book on your life

when you was with me I impacted your life, and baby now that's history.

& this is me after three years finally putting my past for everyone to see.

so to that hot love that ended with your misery, Please just let it rest in peace.

anyone else like me out there ???

have you ever thought like "shit i wonder if anybody else is like me" I find myself asking myself this all the time its like a sentence imprinted in my brain and its stuck on repeat and i cant stop it. I find myself in weird situations, switching my decisions so quick people don't even know what hit me but then again I'm like shit i don't even know what happened. It's like i like a nigga today tomorrow i wake up and hes completely erased from my brain.. I keep all my feelings inside, Idk never been the emotional spill type so people think I'm cold-hearted.. funny though cause i never used to be this way. so im guessing your heart is like food the day its made its so banging on some finger looking good and the next day you heat it up and it don't taste the same but you eat it cause you have to anyway. Now that I think of it Ive always hated food the next day lol but i guess that's how it works. Your heart starts out fresh and then you meet your first love and BOOM you welcome your first heartbreak and its like putting a broken record together it will never play the same. so my emotions are always kept inside. everyone thinks that i have no feelings but I'm no different I'm still a woman. My emotions run deep difference between me and most is they stay kept deep inside of me. As i sit back and think I dont remember the last time i cried.. it was so long ago. It takes a lot to break me down. The last thing i remember being sad about is missing a paper due at 11 and i submitted it at 11:01 got a 5 out of 50 now that was some heartbreaking shit. I talk to myself more then anyone else in this world.. I could be driving to work and re-live a conversation, a phrase, a situation that was said or that made me feel some type of way in my head. I'll change it around in so many different aspects to see what could have been a better outcome, and this is not just ones or twice a wk but everyday that i breathe. I'll be at a light and imagine my life 10 yrs from now its funny cause i dont worry about today but my tomorrow so much that i think that's why I do so good in school and work and so bad in getting in a relationship. I haven't came across a man who i could see spend the rest of my life with, and thats fine with me I love myself enough to make up for his absence until the day we meet. i could be completely happy one min then i felt mad, sad then happy all in a period of just 10 minutes. I could like somebody so hard and never admit it. I could hold back on strong feelings and walk out cause i know ill end up leaving him heartbroken and those are never my intentions. Dont get me wrong when i do fall in love im the ride or die type. idk much about the dying part anymore lol but last time i was in one thats how i used to be. Its been so long im not sure if thats how its still supposed to be. I could go through a heartbreak so bad and it wont hit me till a week later cause im trying to process my emotions and put them together in my head to decide how should i go about my reaction towards it. I could be sad but nobody would know, cause a smile is always across my face only time you dont see one is in math class and thats cause im concentrating hard as hell on the equation that was put up, and aint shit happy about that. I always wonder about the oddest thing we could be talking about how the grass is green and then ill pop out and say i wonder if the plants and trees and grass all talk to each other and thats why you see the winds shift them and theyre expressing there feelings. I hate watching tv. I believe the media is corrupt and so is the government and the banks is our biggest enemy. I could stay up all night reading about the masons, illuminatis, and theories that famous phylosophers have written. I find horoscopes to be fun to read about, and research what egyptians thought it was the way our earth changed ages. & im an aquarius the aquarius age is said to be coming soon so i guess we gonna start seeing some change for once. I wonder about the millions of other living things that live in our universe that people are to ignorant to realize. I could be in a public place and observe people families, kids, couples and imagine what there life is like on a mundane basis. its funny cause i feel so bad for people without even knowing them, for example i could see a construction man on his lunch break looking exhausted and tired and hot and wished his life didnt have to be that way. Not even knowing if hes a rich man and construction is his passion. Idk Ive always wished to be able to step out of my body and let my eyes watch me as i go about my day and wonder what i would think about myself if i wasnt me. does that make sense to you guys? idk life is weird itself so why not have someone as unique as me living in it. and to all those who feels this way too. we probably making history and are going to change the world one day. so fuck it ! we're just different and to those who judge us if they aint providing us with shit but opinions stfu! they werent asked for and very much not needed.

my heart is a driver behind tinted windows it appears to be dark but it sees you clearly. leaves your mind going in circles wondering does she like me or is it a mere game played intelligently. You and I both know I have you hooked and you don't even need help with phonics. Now your heart is misleading got you wanting things that you know i cant provide you with. I know we had a good time so you thought you had me but then I got home and forwarded your call. Don't mind me baby i just need more space then the universe may even allow. Never been a dreamer to find a man to tie me down or have to report to him my every move. Cause the last time I checked I thought I was MY own boss. I wont wait on a man to open my door, wait on me hands and feet. Cause anything you could do I could do better. I have a bad bitch mentality, good girl education, and a mans heart so my moods fluctuate like a thermostats mercury. My decisions change frequently pointing fingers the other direction because the blame remains unclaimed. BAD girls do BAD things don't be puzzled I came in to this situation with your same mind set go hard till i get in but the difference between you an I. I go hard then back out because my pussy is too good for an average joe wanting to hit it and quit it so what I guess Im one selfish bitch but you feening =p

I started writing about a lost love and then how i found love then how i lost it and then i realized shit ! my whole page is about love this love that. It's a beautiful feeling but I love myself too much to waste more post on how a love gone wrong. so let me start off by saying hello to all those i dont know and that read my post ! =]

I feel extremely content with my life right now I go to school full time and work for AT&T im busier then I really speak about being. Sleep is the most beautiful thing in life when your hardly getting it and geesz how i miss you. A successful person hardly sleeps and I heard its lonely at the top well im pretty content with being a loner. My mornings consist of school, afternoons of me, and nights with work. Notice how there's nothing else but things that consist with ME! & ladies this is how it should be ALWAYS.

You must keep your mind busy so you dont think about the bullshit that you think is worth thinking about or missing people that don't even deserve a space in your brain. So thats what I do bury myself into things that only involve me because to reach success one must be selfish and when you have reached the top thats when you become unselfish and not isolate yourself until then Im greedier then a mother fucker and madly and deeply in love with myself and not a significant other !

Been gone

I been gone for a while ..

school and work could really get to you, but im back =]

i haven't wrote anything in a while and today it feels like one of those days ..